Lost
by Sidekickwannabe
Summary: I think I am losing my mind. Every day I fight a mental battle and every day I lose a little more control.


I think I am losing my mind. Every day I fight a mental battle and every day I lose a little more control. I've begun to hear things and the voices speak at me without end. It has gotten so where I can't sleep at night; now I sleep only when exhaustion is at its peak.

I think I've been here too long. The eternal isolation and my constant vigil on the time stream as finally gotten to me. My only contact to the outside world is through flashes of images of the time stream - the past, present, and now, as I grow bolder, the future. When it first started, this mental breakdown, and I realized what was happening, I watched my life over and over again as if I was watching my life knowing I would not live very long and was remembering what I used to be before this happened, what I used to be before becoming Sailor Pluto. Now I watch the lives of my friends, the Sailor Senshi, and realize with each one a different life I might have had if I had only chosen a different path.

The one life I find myself watching the most is that of Serenity, the Moon Princess. She was born under a lucky star. With blonde hair and blue eyes, she is beautiful - but it is her soul that glows from inside that makes her breathtaking. It is in her innocence through which she can do no wrong but it is through her wise spirit and deep understanding of people that she can and will do much good.

I hate her.

With each passing moment the love I have for Serenity turns to blind hatred. I am envious of her life, I know, and that is the root of my hatred for her. I may be loosing my mind but I have not yet lost the ability to know and understand my feelings. It is only the logic behind them and my actions that I can no longer comprehend.

But it's true. I hate everything about her. I watch her and grow sick to see the unchanging innocence and eternal youth. Only her eyes change as I watch her grow. She has everything I never had in my life, everything I will never have and everything that if rightfully mine - a family who loves her, loyal friends, and a husband who die for her. She will rule the world and her subjects will worship her as a Goddess. She will be respected and loved for her moral courage and great strength in trying times. I have guarded this portal for over a millenia and overcome many great obstacles in my life time, yet no one will ever love me as they love her.

Sometimes, late at night, before I fall asleep, I imagine a great many things. I see my life as it should have been and talk to people who are gone and whose love and loyalty belong only to me. I see death often, more often than I wish to see it. I see my death as it will likely be and I see the death of Serenity and myself as her executioner. I fight against these thoughts. They are wrong and scary and I do not want them in my head.

Wrong and scary and I don't want them in my head. I don't want these thoughts; I don't want this life any more. The life I used to have, the one where in spite of everything I didn't have, made me happy. It won't matter anyway. My friends already live their lives as if I was never there.

My fingers twitch uncontrollably and I look up to see someone who has been dead for nearly five hundred years. The hallucinations have started. Part of me wants to fight against this growing shadow in my mind but I know it is futile. I have accepted that and will let it come without argument.

It would be so easy to use my staff against myself. It would be easier to just wander through time for the rest of my life. It would be so easy... It would be easier to just go through this. The hard part is watching it all change and know I can't do a thing.

I don't write this for sympathy; it is only for the log of the last millenia that I have kept, though one could suppose it is also a sort of Last Will and Testament. I don't know how long I have nor do I care any more. I will leave my keys beside the door with my Time Key and slip through the Gateway for the last time. They will remain there, waiting patiently for the next Sailor Pluto to take my place - if there is one. Now I am merely Setsuna Meiou. Perhaps Serenity will seal the doors forever, though it will happen long after I'm gone. My only hope left is someday Sailor Pluto will live again, without the isolation but with eternal peace. 


End file.
